Hunting?? Oh, deer, the highs and lows, the what and why of hunting whitetails and waterfowl in Ohio.

Unlike the Beatles, I can’t go into the jungle with my elephant and gun, which of course fires one shot at a time and takes at the very least a minute to reload. No problem; I will try woods in Ohio, on the farm of a friend.

Why hunt? Well, estimates of the number of deer that starve to death each year in the U.S. run between 300,000 and 400,000. The deer population in Ohio is said to be bigger now than when whites arrived in the 18th century (?? how would anyone know that? Never mind; that sounds correct.)

The natural predators of deer are gone from the state. No more bears, wolves, pumas. Also no hunting parties of Native Americans, who sometimes took hundreds of deer in a day–not every day, and probably not so much in winter as in spring and fall. So the deer population, says the Ohio Dept. of Natural Resources (ODNR), is growing. Either hunters reduce the herd or some other means of control will have to be found. Deer eat plants around houses, eat crops, spread Lyme Disease and ticks, and cause accidents on the roads. Several places–I know of one case in Princeton, NJ–have brought in professional hunters who guarantee head/death shots from tree stands.

I wanted to know if I could bring myself to kill an animal, never having killed anything larger than a carpenter bee in my life. And could I do it right, using my single shot black powder rifle? Could I be a man and not at least try to “harvest” a deer. If I had gotten one, the plan was to call my friend, who would come out with his 4-wheel drive truck and his knife. We would do the initial disposal of internal organs on the spot, then take the carcass to a “chop shop,” then donate the meat to a foodbank. In short, a mix of lofty and crude motives drove me into the forest two weeks ago to see if I could shoot a doe. Only by culling the females, not the bucks, can the herd be reduced.

My friend, an experienced hunter and a great shot, told me that I should find a good place to set up in the woods well before the deer might appear–either very early in the morning, before dawn, or well before sunset. Then don’t move. Deer have great eyesight and will spook if they see unusual movement. They have great noses, so stay downwind from them. Ok, but suppose the wind shifts, as it tends to do. Can I move then? Nope, just hope. So the deer either see you or smell you, no matter how clean you are. 

And you must wear vivid orange clothing, at least a vest and hat, so that you look like Elmer Fudd or worse. That color, I am told, does not exist in nature, so it’s easy to spot. Anyway, you wear it so that other hunters won’t shoot you.

To alleviate your suspense, I have to say that not only did I not get a deer, I did not see one. I fired my gun each day, but into a tree as I was about to get in my car, just to get the powder and lead ball out of the weapon.

Maybe the most entertainment, in a way, from the whole affair came from the Hunter Education course, ODNR, that I took on line, and passed.

So much can go wrong! From the course: ”Tree stands are useful tools for deer hunters, bowhunters, and others. When used with safety in mind, they can provide the edge a hunter needs for a successful hunt. However, falls from tree stands can occur due to improper use and can be deadly.”

Apparently no one strolls through the woods like Natty Bumppo (J F Cooper’s Longstocking Tales) and effortlessly shoots deer.

No; here’s how the good hunters do it today. (All pics from the ODNR Hunter Safety Course).

Here’s a doughty guy in a tree stand. He is well strapped in. Up above the ground this way, you will generally be out of the deer’s usual field of vision. Your scent will waft away better. But this doesn’t seem so sporting. Oh, well.

From the course again: ”Hanging motionless and suspended in your FAS (Fall arrest system, all those straps) after a fall can cause the leg straps to constrict blood flow. The pressure can make blood pool in the legs, limiting circulation and depriving organs of oxygen. This is called suspension trauma and can lead quickly to unconsciousness followed by death. To avoid suspension trauma while you wait to be rescued:

• Step into your suspension relief strap, and stand up to relieve the pressure caused by the leg straps.
• If you do not have a suspension relief strap, move your legs continuously by pushing off from the tree, or raise your knees and pump your legs frequently to keep your blood flowing until help arrives.”

Take a whistle or cell phone with you, the ODNR advises. Now, if you were walking in the woods and heard a whistle, would you run to the sound to investigate? Probably not, unless you were another hunter or game warden. If you did get to this dude hanging from a tree, what the heck would you do?

Do not drink alcohol while in a tree stand. Wait until you, frozen, have reached a warm place.

If you simply fall from a stand and don’t have a FAS, then maybe:

What is the number one cause of death among deer hunters? Right, falling from tree stands.

Or you could hunt ducks or other waterfowl from a boat. This is especially fun in cold weather. Here we can see what an unsuccessful hunt can look like:

No problem, really. Just hang on, because you have a couple of minutes before hypothermia sets in. Of course the game wardens or someone else with a good boat will speed to your side and rescue you. Or maybe not.

In case of accidents he always took his mom, the Beatles continued. But it’s kind of hard to see what Mom could do in these situations.

Even at 30 degrees F, I most froze my fingers off. But maybe I’ll try again next year. Gotta be a man somehow.